Did You Have An Olympic Moment?

The 2010 Olympics ended here in Vancouver several days ago and, as the dust settles, I have to ask my self what my Olympic moment was.  I saw how the Olympics impacted others, yet, I am still struggling with my personal catharsis. 

I watched Grand Chief Alteo speak of the transformation that the First Nations Peoples experienced as the four host chiefs were seated with global dignitaries and their culture was televised to several billion people.  For them it was a moment of profound healing.

I watched the athletes from the participating countries and really got a sense of the struggles, dedication and hard work they had endured to reach the level of their respective sports, the skills they honed, and the strength they projected.

I watched the reaction of the competitors…how some were so gracious in their wins or in their losses…..and how some others so easily showed their disappointment, frustration, and grief at falling short of their lofty expectations.  They openly shared their vulnerability.

I watched one country deal with the tragic death of one of their athletes and I watched one competitor continue on and win a medal even though her mother died suddenly upon arrival at the games.  This was a display of courage.

I watched the volunteers and the organizers and I witnessed their pride and satisfaction for their countless hours of service and dedication…I watched them deal with adversity, stress, and chaos and I witnessed their composure and unfailing sense of good will.

I watched the media interpret the events and carry reports of the games to all corners of the world…..and I saw the many diverse accolades and condemnations that were conveyed and I also saw the responses they elicited…..most supportive and congratulatory and others attacking, blaming and fault finding.  This speaks of the diversity of experiences.
 
 I watched the closing ceremonies and witnessed the passing of the flag to Russia where the 2014 games are to be held….and I enjoyed the orbs and cultural tidbits that they presented as part of their package. This is about the future.

And…… it hit me……the games go on…..the hope and the aspirations and the commitment continue.  Some of the participants will be repeating and there will also be new faces to take the place of the retiring veterans. These new faces will all go through just as much as their predecessors to reach their peak levels as they prepare for 2014.

And…..now I understand why I always cry during the medal presentations…..the deep, pent up emotions finally finding their outlet.  I am in touch with the essence of the games, the hard work involved and the amazing courage it takes to participate.  It connects me to my own ongoing struggle as I move through life…..sometimes I am acknowledged, but most of the time I just continue on and it seems like I am all alone.  My heart yearns for recognition and support and celebration.

I have a sense that I need to focus on the journey….not the destination…..and I need to celebrate all that I do in my daily life.  The Olympic athletes are merely a symbol of my personal journey and through each of them I am able to see a piece of myself…..we are all connected….and together we can share the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

This is important to me, now, in my daily life, as I question my ability to continue on with my personal goals.  There are times when it all seems to be too difficult and I feel like quitting.  There are also times when little milestones encourage me to persevere.

So, my Olympic Moment has to do with the acceptance of who I am…as I face my selfdoubts and question my abilities…and give myself permission to continue on.  Somewhere deep within myself is the knowledge….the remembering…..of who I am.

And, as I continue to make this journey from head to heart, I continually open up fragments of the memory that I am indeed a divine being of love and light.  It still feels funny to say that.

So, as this next bunch of athletes prepare for their upcoming games, I too, will be in training for the next step on my spiritual journey as I aspire onward to my personal podium.  I feel that my chances are good because I have the support and sponsorship of my Higher Self and Spirit.  My job is to show up and do only what is in front me….one day at a time…..as I learn to be in the moment.

“I am worthy to have good things come into my life”—Mary A Hall (Heart Thoughts).

Thanks for reading my blog.  If you would like to know how I dealt with my addictions, childhood abuse and issues of codependency, you might consider downloading our e-book…..it describes the hurdles I faced on my journey for the first twenty years of recovery……

See you soon, 

In Light, Love and Laughter,

Ted.
 

Barb's Story

Guest Blog  By Barb G

In 1987, I was diagnosed with having Agoraphobia.  Agoraphobia is a Greek word meaning “fear of the market place”.  In today’s terms it would be “fear of leaving your safe place”.  I had been having symptoms of rapid heartbeat, sweating, tightness in my chest, and trembling for the year before.

I had 3 children by this time.  My first daughter was born in 1979, then another daughter in 1982 and my son in 1984.  I didn’t want anyone else raising my kids so in 1980 after my maternity leave was up, I decided to quit my job and become a stay at home mom.   My relationship with my husband was rocky.  He had always drunk, but his drinking was progressing into alcoholism.  He was threatening and becoming violent.  I was under constant stress and I was in total denial of how it was affecting me.

One of my early warnings was when I went to Expo in Vancouver 1986.  When I got there I found I couldn’t stand in any line ups or manoeuvre in the crowds.  Upon returning home, I experienced a couple of HUGE PANIC ATTACKS and once I had to go to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack.  I was told to go home and rest for 3 days.

I didn’t know what was happening to me.  When I tried to drive to town, I’d have to turn back halfway because I was nauseous and dizzy.  When I went to my friends I couldn’t hold a coffee cup because my hands were shaking so badly.  Shopping for groceries became an impossible task, I felt trapped in the line-ups and at the tills.

I searched my inner self to find out what was wrong with me?  What was causing this?  I wasn’t getting any support from my family – no one understood what was happening, they didn’t believe that it was debilitating and they just wanted me to get back to normal and take care of everything.

I desperately wanted to get back to normal – but I couldn’t.  After many failed attempts to get my husband to change (quit drinking, be more supportive) so that I could heal, I decided I had to leave the marriage.  I felt that I had better leave or I would not survive.  I was at the lowest point in my life.  I was sick with anxiety and now a single parent of 3 children.  I didn’t know how I could get better, how could I support myself, and how could I attend to all the needs of my children.  I WAS IN THE UNKNOWN.

I began reading about anxiety disorders and discovered that I was also co-dependent.  I had been raised in an alcoholic family and had been taught not to seek outside help, not to feel my feelings, not to talk about what is going on, and not to trust.  I had been taught to look after others instead of myself.  I learned that co-dependents often have stress related ailments such as migraines, ulcers, depression and anxiety disorders.

I began my recovery from co dependence in 1992.  I learned to develop a sense of self and to ask, “what do I need, what do I want?”  I also learned that I was responsible for my own happiness and that I couldn’t look to another human being to make me happy.

Treatment for anxiety was sparse.  My doctor did not offer medication for the first 5 years.   I sought out a group in Victoria for people suffering from anxiety.  We were trained to desensitise to fear producing situations.  This was a long and difficult process.
In 1995, I enrolled in a “back to work” program and slowly got back in to the work force.  My life was beginning to improve as I got out of my home and into the community and as I learned to accept myself as I was.

My decision to be a stay at home mom in 1980 had resulted in my being dependent on others for my support for 15 years.  I spent, from start to finish, 25 years parenting.  I’ve been learning to cope with anxiety for 24 years.  I still have it — but to a lesser degree.

I learned many things in my recovery and had accomplishments as well.  I bought and fully paid for my own home.  I quit smoking and even though I hardly drank alcohol, I completely gave it up and raised my kids in an alcohol free environment.  I successfully raised my kids, and proudly flew to Ottawa to celebrate my daughter’s graduation from Carleton University.  I also began a home base bookkeeping business which I’ve expanded into a full time downtown business.

I’ve learned that along with my health, relationships are the most important thing in life.  I ‘m learning to love myself and I have great relationships with my grown children, my wonderful grandchildren, my friends, and my new partner in life and   in recovery.
_________________________________

Thanks Barb.  Barb is a life long friend of Kelly’s and she, along with her partner Malcolm, are one of our “couples friends” that we get together with on our common journey of healing.  Barb originally contributed to our book by typing out our handwritten manuscript and putting it on disc.

If you would like to post your story of “experience, strength and hope” on our blog, please contact us at:    kellyandted@shaw.ca
Our book is now available on our website as a download for $7.95.  Visit our site at www.whenyourenotyou.com and add it to your shopping cart.

In love, light and laughter, too,
Ted and Kelly.

Getting Back to Flow

Do you ever have those interludes in your life when everything just flows effortlessly, with ease and grace…….and, no matter what you say or do, things just work out for the best?  Wouldn’t you like to experience life like that 24/7?  Is that even possible?

I think that is what I am attempting to create in my life, the only problem seems to be that the more I want it and the more I attempt to create these flow periods…the less they appear for me.

It’s sort of like the old Chinese finger puzzle….the harder you try to pull your fingers free, the tighter the puzzle gets….and the only way to release your fingers is to let go.

Well, the universe is giving me this lesson one more time, in fact, it’s shouting it to me….so I guess I have to write about it and hopefully I’ll learn through teaching.

One of the things I look forward to every morning is “Tut….A Note from the Universe”.  It is a personal message that comes in our inbox and is a great thing to read before anything else…..a nice way to start the day!  You can get your own greeting, (addressed to you with your name on it) every morning by simply registering at:   www.tut.com

Yesterday’s greeting summed up a talk that Kelly and I have been battling through for the past several days.  She has been telling me that I am tense, not connected and she sees me trying to force every thing in my life…..my day, my work, my path.  She says that the joy and fun have disappeared and have been replaced by irritability and impatience.  She is angry and feels abandoned.

Yesterday’s Note from the Universe read, “You’re right Ted; too much discipline will discourage your playful, wandering imagination.  It’ll snuff out the flames of inspiration and creativity.  And it’ll weigh you down with routines and logic. It simply isn’t “spiritual”.”

So, there you have it.  One of the things I learned in my Creating Abundance Program is that I often slip into resistant energy and block the flow.  This is most apparent when I try to force things to happen……when I try too hard.

And, what am I to do?  Once again, Teddy boy….nada….nothing…..except “let go.”  It is time to recognize that I have slipped back into my head and am trying to force things through my logical mind….my ego….and I have become disconnected from my heart center….Spirit….Higher Self.

How do I let go?  Well, first of all I need to recognize that I am back in my head and trying to run the show myself.  I know that whenever I do this, things get controlled and micromanaged to the point of frustration……in short, they almost never work out.

The next step is to adopt a willingness to change; this helps me begin the shift.  Now there are a variety of techniques that I can use to make the “Journey without Distance” ….the journey from head to heart.  The simplest way is to ask for help.

I employ a simple request both Kelly and I have used for years.  We took a few words from a twelve step prayer and combined it with something that we really liked from the Course in Miracles. It is the request we used daily when we walked the white sandy beaches of Quintano Roo in Playa del Carmen.

It was from this request that we received the inspiration to write our book.  Quite simply we say, “What would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say? And to Whom? – Thy will, not mine, be done.”

One that I learned more recently is one I adapted from Sharon Wilson. “I am now partnering with Spirit.  I am surrendering.  I am a backdrop for Spirit. Spirit please speak, work, play, write, teach and coach through me. Please show me what to do.”

Yesterday’s Note from the Universe ended with these words:  “Just think what you know to think, say what you know to say, and do what you know to do, Ted.  Every day, lots and lots.”

This morning my Note from the Universe read: “Sometimes, Ted, when things take longer than you thought they would, it’s just a gentle reminder from your greater self (me), that you have more time than you thought, and that there’s a journey to enjoy.  Yeah, like all the time in the universe.”

Ok……it’s about the journey…..not the destination…..smelling the roses ….. playing …… having fun…loosening up…..opening the heart….and staying connected.  The note ended with: “Besides, Ted, just because it’s taking longer than you thought it would, doesn’t mean stuff isn’t happening, even as you read these words.”

I may not be quite there…but I am in the process of getting back on track….and its great to be reminded that there is a greater plan and I am just a small part of it.

Let the Flow begin!

Thanks for the read.

Ted.

You’re Not Your Story- Remembering Who You Are

Are you attached to your story? Is your story keeping you from seeing who you really are?  What does this really mean when you find yourself caught up in triggers and drama and reactive behavior?

These are a few of the questions that have been dogging me for the past few days. I have major stuff surfacing and am not quite through it all, just yet.

Last month, at the suggestion of our Virtual assistant, Erin, we were encouraged to subscribe to Twitter as a means of connecting to Social Networking and a beginning stage in marketing our book.

I have no prior experience with Twitter, found it completely overwhelming, and dove right into the experience full on.  This scared Erin (she advised that Twitter could be addictive and might not be healthy for me) and she suggested that perhaps I would be better off to use the automated options and simply set up one or two weeks of Tweets, in advance.  My wife, Kelly, concurred.

I rationalized that I wanted to learn how to use Twitter and I justified that I needed to feel connected to my readers and I needed a sense of authenticity in my presence on Social Networking.

Well last Friday the poop hit the fan.  Kelly was really upset and told me that she felt like I had abandoned her and that there was a mistress in our home named Twitter.  She said it seemed like I was drawn to the computer and that I spent far too many hours on it and that she could no longer approach me about things in our life because I told her “not now, I am in the middle of something.”

She was hurt and angry….part of her past had to do with dealing with unavailable men….and now she was being presented with the same type of circumstances in her own home and she needed to address it, be heard, and regain our connection.

I found myself getting very upset.  Kelly accused me of not hearing her and taking on what she had just told me.  I thought that I was being told what I could or could not do and was feeling shamed and controlled.

Here we were again….bouncing off each other.  My behavior was triggering her stuff and her attempts to work through the contrasts were triggering me.  Instead of being able to work through the feelings, I found myself feeling offended and attacked; I wanted to fight back.  After several attempts to talk things out, I gave up, retreated to the bedroom (my cave) and sunk into a numbing depression.

I found myself back in old familiar grounds….the message was something was wrong with me….and I wasn’t OK.  At this point I was no longer capable of rational thought.  Numbness ruled my life and I kept slipping in and out of sleep. I didn’t eat all day.

Now last Friday was also the beginning of the Olympics and the Opening Ceremonies began at six in the evening.  I allowed myself to turn on the TV and watch the three hour ceremony, while Kelly did the same in the living room.  I managed to eat and as soon as the program was over, I went to sleep.

I isolated from Kelly and distracted by watching the Olympics from morning until evening on both Saturday and Sunday.  Kelly was angry that I wouldn’t talk to her.  She went out both days and spent time with her girlfriends, processing the issues and releasing them.

Usually, when we take space, the underlying stuff eventually surfaces and we are able to move through our contrasts and come to some form of resolution.  My process is almost always slower than Kelly’s.

I am able to see the dynamics in other people and I have been closely watching the dethroning of two gold medal winners from the last games in Torino in 2006.  Both competitors managed silver over the weekend.  The woman was gracious, the man angry and blaming…..they seem to be mirroring Kelly and me.

Monday was a work day for us and we managed to be in each others space, but it was tense.  We had one energetic clash and came close on several other occasions.   There was no connection and we spent the evening in separate rooms.

It is now early Tuesday morning and I still haven’t had my insight or release and I am still feeling disconnected from self, from Kelly, and from anyone else.  I notice that I have stopped looking for positive evidences in my day and I am seeing the negative around me.

I am angry, feeling controlled and judged, and completely powerless.  How did I get here again?  My behavior is reactive…I haven’t been on Twitter, which means that my all or none thinking is  in place, and my control issues have reemerged, big time. I am definitely back in my head and my heart is closed.

I know that I have to sit down and go through this all one more time. I don’t feel any differently and I am not looking forward to starting another day with conflict and tension.  I also know that I would sooner move through all of this rather that continue the way we are.

I do have a willingness to trust the process…..so at least this is a beginning. Sometimes the drama of my story takes over and I feel completely disconnected.  I really have to tell myself that I am not my story…..that it is only a lie I tell myself…. and I buy into it when I feel deep pain and allow my ego to exert itself and take over.

In this moment it is difficult to remember that I am actually a spiritual being having a human experience. It is next to impossible to say, “I am a divine being of love and light.”

I am not my story, yet today it feels like I am, and the Journey without Distance, that inner voyage between head and heart, seems impassable. The way out is through the feelings and I have been wallowing in them rather than moving through them.

So, once more, I relinquish my control (things always work better when I do) and I surrender my will to my higher self and allow Spirit to take over……I need to reopen my attitude of gratitude and take action.

I’ll keep you posted!

Thanks for following me through this process.  If you are interested in seeing more about our process and how we have developed a respectful manner of resolving the issues in our relationship, check out our book, When You’re Not You.  Jen, our other virtual assistant is in the process of changing our site to make copies of it downloadable at a really great price.

In Love, Light and Laughter, too,

Ted.

Energy and Addictions "Feel the Bubble"

Can you get your head around the fact that the you may have taken on someone else’s “stuff” and it may have hugely impacted the life you led or, that it is still controlling you in the present moment and will tomorrow and the next day, and the next?

I just listened to a session with Mary Hall where she assisted a person to release the shame that she had carried since she was a toddler.  The thing that is important to realize is that each and every one of us is, to some degree, that toddler.  I have to admit that the caller could have been reading my thoughts and voicing my very recent concerns.

The caller began by describing the present situation: she had slipped back into smoking and several other addictive habits and was feeling ashamed of herself. She felt particularly bad because she worked with people in the capacity of healing, and it made her feel terribly incongruent.

The question that Mary asked in the beginning of the session was about the shame the woman was expressing.  She asked her if the shame belonged to her or was, in fact, shame that belonged to her parents.  I asked myself the same question, and realized my shame was not really my own, it belonged to my parents.  I took it on.

The woman on the call remembered back to being two years of age and forming the opinion that if she was feeling the shame, then it certainly must be hers.  She stated that it created an unsafe environment for her to grow up in.  Mary agreed, saying that the energy of shame is disruptive for feeling safe and cared for.

Well, Mary might just as well have been talking directly to me.  My experience growing up was completely disruptive and I never knew when it would be safe to play and have fun.  Sometimes it was OK and sometimes it wasn’t.  Sometimes I was the cute one and everything was great, then, in similar circumstances, it wasn’t Ok.  I was the “bad boy.”

Mary asked the woman if she could connect to who she “really was”….and…..with a little help, she was able to see that she was a bright little two year old whose only job was to play, giggle, be happy and grow (she was in fact, a divine being of love and light).

She asked the woman to go into the bubbly child and feel the joy and peace and love that is so easily accessible at that age.  She then asked the woman to expand that energy outward to create a giant bubble around her.  The woman created the bubble around that ideal child memory-the divine nature of who she really was.

She was then instructed to watch as “everything else” fell off the surface of the bubble.  The bubble was who she was.  Everything else was not her.  The woman “got it” and felt an immediate shift and release of her shame.

I was happily feeling the shift for myself, too.  I wasn’t really bad….that was a concept that I took on and internalized.  I grew up always feeling that I was bad, that was my personal shame.  Shame is about feeling you are a mistake….it tends to put a damper on just about anything you undertake throughout life.

Mary quickly led the woman through a series of fast forwards to different ages through her life, as the five year old, the seven year old, the fifteen year old, then into her twenties and into her forties.  The woman was able to anchor the energy of the bubbly little girl in each of the instances and was able to see her true beauty and she felt a sense of freedom.

I did the same thing and felt a small shift in how I regarded myself at all those ages and beyond, into my sixties.  It is difficult to release a life time of beliefs in an instant and I’m not going to pretend that I did.  I was; however, ready to look at the possibilities and I am always open for any healing to begin.

I now have a real knowingness that the energy I grew up with wasn’t entirely my own.  I also understand that holding the energy that I “took on” as a little toddler was a” holding energy” that perpetuated my addictive behavior throughout my life.

So, what does this all mean……well, every time I feel the pain of rejection or twangs of shame or criticism, I can pause ….. “feel the bubble”……… and remember who I really am……a divine being of love and light.

The bubble has taken on an entire new meaning for me….an energetic dimension ….and has become a spiritual tool that represents the pure high energies of the two year old: love, peace, joy, light, play and laughter.  It is my way out of the lower energies of shame and apathy and fear and anger; it is a portal into the higher ladder of vibrant life.

Recovery tools are handy devices that, when employed, enable the bearer quick release from what otherwise may be poor choices and unhappy interludes.  They almost always help create a perceptual shift……and that’s what energy management is all about.

We are in the process of adding a new option to our website and you will soon be able to choose to download our book, ‘When You’re Not You” for about one third of the cost of the hard copy…….and….we are looking at hosting an interactive Bookinar where you can talk to us directly by phone as we take four weeks to go through the book.  More details to follow.

In Love, Light and Laughter, too,

Ted and Kelly

A Namaste Moment

Do you ever notice how, when you are introduced to a new concept, it appears over and over in your life? I can remember playing with my father one time when I was young.  We were visiting people who lived near a busy road and he was pointing out different types of cars to me.

It opened me up to a whole new world and suddenly I was seeing all these different vehicles I had never noticed before. I was recognizing the different brands of cars; this one a Ford, this one a Chevrolet (that one a Cadillac!) and, once I made that shift in my perception, I couldn’t go back to not knowing the difference in the brands, but rather, I began to see other brands and record these images in my memory, too.

The new phrase I recently happened upon is: “Namaste Moment”.  Now I’m not really sure what that phrase means and I can’t really remember how it was used exactly, so I did what I am prone to do and defined it within my own frame of reference.  I tend to do that a lot and I am constantly amazed when I look up the meaning of words and they don’t really match up with the dictionary definitions.

I did look up “Namaste” in Wikpedia and found that it was a Sanskrit word used in South Asia as a greeting.  Well, that wasn’t quite how I remembered it, so I read a little further and found exactly what I was looking for. “I honor the spirit in you which is also in me”.

I will reveal my moment to you, but first, I need to let you know one thing about the writing of our book.  In the page facing the Table of Contents we paraphrase something by Janet Woititz who wrote the book: “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. “Children who grow up in alcoholic or dysfunctional families learn three basic rules: Don’t talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel”.

In the Actual Table of Contents we use those three rules as Section Headings, except we changed the order to have “Don’t Trust” appear last.  We did this purposely because Trust, for us, is the most difficult rule to reframe.  In fact, it is still a core issue that I continue to surface and shift my beliefs around…managing to change a little at a time.

One of the things I have a problem with is “trusting” men.  My father was my prime abuser and due to the nature of our relationship, I grew up wearing an invisible scapegoat target and allowed myself to be humiliated and shamed by classmates, figures of authority and, basically, anyone who was male and appeared in my life.

I totally gave my power away, set myself up for abuse, and to make matters worse, I would tag along with groups, like a victim who bonds with his or her oppressor. I didn’t respect and honor myself and I was terrified of men.  It was a self fulfilling prophesy that I would be shamed or humiliated; it was only a matter of time.

The situation was so bad that I would even take the initiative and “act out” to draw negative attention to myself.  It was as if I was addicted to fear, pain, humiliation, and a cycle of isolation.  My subsequent reemergence to the group, found me like a dog with his tail between his legs.

This pattern lasted until my mid thirties when I entered recovery and began to allow myself the nurturing and healing energies of women (which I had completely blocked for most of my life, again due to trust issues).  I am now in my early sixties.

When we returned to Vancouver about seven years ago, we moved into the West End of the city near Stanley Park and the beach at English Bay. This part of the city is also the heart of the gay community.

The energy is softer here and I feel safer around the men.  Many of the members of the gay community have faced a lot of violence and abuse and there is an ambient healing energy as they courageously take their baby steps forward to close the gap of disapproval from mainstream society that they have had to endure and to which I can relate.

For the past several years I have befriended a gay couple in our building.  Kelly and I attended their wedding and they have grown to be close friends. This exposure to a softer energy in men has helped me move miles along my recovery path and brings me to the Namaste Moment that I experienced yesterday.

We met with two acquaintances for brunch…we only expected to be meeting one, so the dynamic was quite different than what we anticipated.  Neither of these men is in recovery. They are lifelong friends who carry on their own brand of banter and engage in it shamelessly in front of others, like a married couple who bicker in public.

At one point I had eye contact with the chap across from me, it was the twinkling of an eye.  His friend was going on about something that could have easily been interpreted by the other as borderline abuse. Something passed between us….there was an energetic flicker, sort of like what happens when you save a document from Word and that little box flashes as the computer saves the images to a folder.

There was a nonverbal communication of acceptance and validation happening at a much deeper level.  I saw the discomfort of the situation, yet I witnessed the event proceed without any reaction or conflict.  There was a prevailing gentleness and safety, like there was a statement of forgiveness being expressed by the one man for the other. It was as if he was saying, “Don’t worry, he is just into his projection and it doesn’t mean anything….I’m certainly not taking it on”.

This whole vignette is remarkable in itself, let alone for me, it took on a much deeper meaning and I can see it as a step toward healing my issues with men.  The friend at brunch role modeled a level of tolerance which allowed me to connect with him and he didn’t obligate me to triangulate against his friend.  I recognize the honor and integrity in his gesture and I feel a warmth and safety in his gentle acceptance of the situation.

I feel like I have shifted into expansiveness and no longer am bound solely to the safe male energy of our gay friends, but, rather, can extrapolate it to include a broader aspect of man.  I am truly moving into the sense that everything is going to be OK and I feel safe in the universe.  I look forward to a time when I can enter any room and feel safe with any group of men.

One of my university friends from decades ago has brain cancer and the prognosis is not good.  There is a chance that he may not see the year’s end.  I have been receiving emails from one or two people from my past and there is a chance that I may be attending a gathering of “the boys”.  I was once part of an “old boy’s system” of jocks and yuppies and have had little or no contact with them for about thirty-five years.

This is the stuff of my recurrent nightmares and shame core. I continually work on converting my shame (my perceived “unsuccessful” life) to guilt (the mistakes I made) as I release the details of my life and compare them to the illusion of how I envision them and their successes. I am open to believing that they, too, have had their dark moments of the soul. I know that one or two of them have read our book.

I have taken one more baby step in closing the gap on my “Trust Issues” and healing some of the past with my father.  (I’m not sure if you noticed the warmth in the opening of this blog when I said I played with my father and he taught me something! This memory came through spontaneously as I was writing).

“Your Spirit and My Spirit are One”….. “The Spirit in Me recognizes the Spirit in You.”  I appreciate the healing that is an ongoing part of my path! Do you ever notice how, when you are introduced to a new concept, it appears over and over in your life?  Namaste!

Read more about our journey of recovery and add a copy of “When You’re Not You” to your shopping cart.  Visit our website at: www.whenyourenotyou.com .

Thanks for sharing a piece of my journey.

In Love, Light, and Laughter, too,

Ted.

Visiting the Rabbit Hole

What is the first thing that comes to mind with the phrase “down the rabbit hole”? …..a fond memory of one of our favorite all time, carrot-chewing, Disney characters,  “Eh, what’s up, McDoc?” ….or, is it shades of Lewis Carrol and Alice chasing an elusive white rabbit into Wonderland?

Well, “rabbit hole” took on a whole new meaning for me yesterday when I listened, for the first time, to master Coach Debbie Bermont as she presented an incredible webcast entitled “Living A Life Of Expansion: The Fastest Way To Conquer ANY Emotional Challenge Which Blocks Your Success”.

I was so impressed with her presentation that I literally got…..well…..I got depressed.  I found myself diving into my very own “personal rabbit hole”….and let me tell you,    It’s not a place to go or not “a way to be”. It feels horrible and can quickly lead to depression, doubt and despair.

Debbie quickly got my attention as she began speaking about expansion and alignment and asking questions about whether or not your fears were ruling your life, and if you knew how to shift fear to flow and expansion, how to shift from struggle to ease, how to overcome self sabotage.

She wanted her audience to “get it” that constrictive thinking was about “lack” and not being in alignment with your soul (your true authentic place) which is always seeking expansion.  She listed a few things like time, trust, confidence, love, and money and suggested that our subconscious controlled what we manifest….and that if the results were bringing you more of what you don’t want… you were stuck in your rabbit hole of fears and self judgment.

She went on to describe 5 steps to alignment, 4 stages to the rabbit hole and the concept of choice.  She talked about our “story” and how it isn’t true…in fact, it is a way that a young child sets beliefs and patterns that help him/her cope with the things of childhood….and she went on to talk about ways to navigate around your rabbit holes, and ultimately create a magnificent life.

So….why did all this have such an impact on me, so much so, that I found myself facing my own rabbit hole?  Debbie talked about the emotions that can be triggered that lead to constrictive thinking and fear: feeling unlovable …-no, not that…..feeling abandoned …-no, not that …feeling alone….-no, not that….feeling “not being worthy”….well, yes, close enough…feeling not good enough (not being OK)….that’s a subconscious belief I have carried since childhood.

That, my friends, is one of the triggers to my personal rabbit-hole ….a constrictive belief that knocks me out of flow and into fear, worry and doubt…. one that I continue to use to sabotage myself.  Somewhere along the way (could it be from my role as scapegoat to my father’s emotional abuse)… I internalized that false belief and it has contributed to my pattern of devolution, to my addictions and to the drama I have created in my life.

Over the past twenty-five years I have learned a number of tools to navigate through these subconscious triggers, in fact, my wife, Kelly, and I have written a book about it, entitled, “When You’re Not You”-A Personal Journey Through Addictions, Childhood Abuse and Codependency. We talk about our journey through the various levels of recovery and spiritual growth. We do it in a simple manner, in an easy to read story format.

I have to accept the fact that I don’t have the polish or eloquence of someone from corporate America; however, the content of the book is what is important here.  This book contains the information that I would have loved access to when I began my path.  It is written by people who faced barrier after barrier and found the courage to keep moving forward, that’s why we call it “experiential recovery”.

It can help you, too!  Check out our website www.whenyourenotyou.com If you or someone close to you is troubled by addictions, feels powerless and their life is unmanageable, can’t hold a job or form any healthy, lasting relationships…then this is a must book for your shopping cart!

There’s more than one way out of the rabbit holes of your life…. And… good news…you can learn how to manifest a better life experience and form a healthy relationship with a supportive life partner….we know because we have done it…..and our book will show YOU how!

Good luck and good choices on your path!

In Love, Light, and Laughter, too,

Ted and Kelly.

 

I’ve got stuff coming up and I’m frustrated. It feels like I am bombarded with quick fixes. Everywhere I look there is a suggestion of an easy way out: Listen to this CD, attend this workshop, follow these 5 steps, buy this book.

Ted and I have written a book and I will be the first to tell you there is no “quick fix”, no magic wand, but there is a process and a way to have a really enriched life with intimacy in your relationships.

If you have been following our blogs, since we have started Twitter, you will see Ted has been having a lot of his core issues surfacing, well, so have I.  Life has presented me with the opportunity to look at my core issues one more time.

The other night while I was working out, three little girls about five years old came into our room and sat on a bench watching us. Two of the girls were quite bouncy and the other was looking quite serious. The mother of the two bouncy girls came in and they left with her.  The other one was sitting there by herself, all alone.

I looked over and saw the girl sitting by herself and I found myself feeling really sad, choking back the tears.  The father came in to check on her, but my deep sense of sadness remained. I knew that I was being triggered into some early childhood memories.

Somehow this incident was connected to a recent phone call from my father and a visit from my brother and from the stuff Ted was going through on our Twitter site.

My father was thinking about me the night of my birthday in early January. He phoned and told me a story. He told me about a time when I was around 18 months old and I was running through the muddy potholes with my little jeans rolled up while visiting relatives on the farm in Manitoba. He said the tears were rolling down his cheeks as he was fondly remembering this.

This tapped me  into my sadness and a deep sense of longing for the connection I would like to have with my dad.

The same day my brother, who was in town for a hockey game, took Ted and I out to lunch with his family, again, I was feeling a lack of connection. We aren’t as close as we use to be when we were younger and I miss that.

I tried to talk about all of this with Ted, and express the lack of connection I was feeling with him.  He was feeling that he had done something wrong and couldn’t hear everything I was trying to talk about. We were bouncing off each other, but when I was able to get in touch with my feelings and cry, there was a shift and he was able to hear me. I have a tendency to cover my pain or fear with anger and it comes across as blame.

I decided to take some space and take care of myself. My self care regime consists of exercise (yoga/pilates), time with my girlfriend(s) to talk about what’s going on and then some space to work through it all.

What I realized, one more time, is the need for me to go through these feeling in order to have the healing around my childhood  issues, which in this case, are abandonment  and “not being good enough” or worthy. I was feeling disconnected from my brother, from my father, from Ted and most importantly from myself.

Seeing that little girl at my workout connected me to these childhood insecurities. As an adult, I know that I am loved and supported by the people in my life. I got in touch with the coping skills I used as a child to protect myself and saw how these beliefs were not the truth and were no longer serving me as an adult.

I really believe that this is the process we need to go through to heal our core issues. There is no quick fix. When I allow myself the time and space to go through the feelings, I no longer see the situation from the eyes of the scared little girl. As I come through the feelings, I return to my place of balance and feel more connected to myself and Spirit.

 

If you would like to read more of our recovery journey and how to move through your limiting beliefs and patterns, add our book to your shopping cart at www.whenyourenotyou.com

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.

In Love and Light,

Kelly

 

What's Showing Up In Your Life?

I don’t know what’s going on in the universe this past week but it feels like I’ve been challenged at my deepest levels….and…I’m not the only one.

Yesterday I listened to a call with Mary A Hall.  She was appearing on Jennifer McLean’s Master Works Healing.  Mary is an EFT expert and master energy worker who connects to heart, deep into Spirit to the very essence of the soul.

She talked about the shame she was feeling for resenting the fact that she was having contrasts caring for her elderly mother and father.  The strain of the burden was getting to her.  Her mother is ready to go into care and her father is paralyzed.

Each evening she has to lift him out of his wheel chair and put him into his bed.  This is physically difficult for her to do by her self, especially after the rigorous demands of her own day.

Mary felt stretched beyond her limits and was ashamed of her inability to cope with the situation and, worse still, her feelings about it all.

In my own way, I have undergone a similar response to my own life situation.  What’s showing up for me is different but the result is the same as Mary.  I have been questioning my own ability to cope with the challenges in my life and I have swung very low on the rungs of the vibrational ladder.

  Dr David Hawkins lists shame at 20 on the vibrational scale, death is a vibration of zero.  Shame is often defined as the sense of being a mistake (as opposed to guilt which is defined as making a mistake and is at 30). For comparison, fear is 100, anger 150, pride 175-199.  Hawkins says over 90 per cent of world is in survival (under 200).

So, what’s showing up?  It feels like “the core” of all my contrasts, my addictions, my fears.  I feel disconnected to Spirit and completely aligned with resistant energy.  This has been going on for over a week now.

I have dreamed about drinking and using drugs, my sexual addiction has surfaced, and my time on Twitter feels addictive. It’s like I am fighting just to scrape by, to survive.  I haven’t had a sense of struggle this profound in years.  I feel like I am doing something wrong and that I am making some sort of grave spiritual mistake.  My inner train is derailing and I’m afraid it’s going off the tracks on my outer plane.

Mary says she really has to go back to basics whenever she slips into the lower energies.  She has normalized “playing in the higher energies” for ninety-five per cent of her daily life and she quickly uses her personally developed tools of EFT and H.E.A.R.T. techniques to maintain her vibrancy.

There is no way that I am in her league, but I can say that I am used to manifesting a higher level than I am currently experiencing….and….I have a number of tools that help me make my own inner energy shifts. I use them on a daily basis.

Part of what I practice is connecting to a set of basic fundamentals I have learned from Mary over the past year.  These fundamentals are the cornerstones for allowing heart to take center stage and connecting into the flow of love and abundance.  I practice them daily and am learning to habituate them.

Quite simply, the first thing to do is access the feeling of heart…can you feel towards yourself the same feelings that you would have when seeing a little baby or a puppy?  This connects you to the vibration of self worth and love (about 500 on Hawkin’s scale) and into the essence of: “Things are going to be OK”

Then, ask yourself “what is right in this moment?”…an expansion of being OK…..which automatically activates a sense of self acceptance…a compassion for self. This subsequently activates a feeling that, “Life is Good”.

Trust is engendered, the self becomes identified with the world and the next level of awareness opens up: “good things are continually coming my way.” The drawing power of abundance is accessed and we are able to see the world and the universe as safe.  This is the pivotal moment and how abundance is created.

Well, this week it wasn’t quite working for Mary (or for me)….we were both feeling the energy of resistance….the disconnect from Spirit….and burdened with the feelings of “having to do something….lack of choice…trapped”. Something needed to be added for the energetic shift to take place.

 When Mary became authentic about her situation, she received the next step.  Her inspired thought instructed her to start “Blessing” her father…not praying for him….Blessing him. This meant seeing him at his highest in all his aspects, his life, his challenges, his struggles and contrasts.

And then something happened….she experienced a shift in energy toward him.  Well, Mary being Mary, she immediately began to apply this practice to everyone and everything in her life that was presenting as a challenge….and voila….there was a beautiful unfolding and she was able to see the beauty in everyone and everything.

The lesson here is to acknowledge that blessing the challenge opens the energy in us.  On the other hand, anger, resentment and upset keep us disconnected.

The shift for her (and for me) was immediate and profound.  It reminds me of a saying that one of my other mentors, Sharon Wilson, likes to repeat, “No one can manage your energy for you. It is our own responsibility”. 

Thanks for taking your awareness and heart connection to the next level, Mary.  I am grateful to be on this path and I appreciate the opportunity to follow along as you and Jennifer plow the path and make the journey so much easier for the rest of us.

If you are interested in more of our writings and are interested in the levels of recovery and spiritual growth that we write about, add our book to your shopping cart on our new web site:   www.whenyourenotyou.com.   You can also subscribe to our blogs and automatically receive them in your email box.

Thanks for your time….we hope this blog was useful to you….it is our intention to help you connect at a deeper level to Spirit so that you can effortlessly connect to the flow of the universe and manifest a better life experience with ease and grace.

In Love, Light and Laughter, too,
Ted and Kelly.

Last week, January 11-17 was the week we decided to begin social networking.  “We decided” means that we followed the direction of our virtual assistants, Erin and Jen, who are helping us to get organized and on the path to marketing our addiction recovery book, “When You’re Not You”, and to establish a home business so we can eventually support ourselves through our writing and make some money.

Thus began our introduction to “Twitter” and “Tweets”. I dove into a whole new world about which I knew nothing.  I didn’t really have any preconceived judgments or feelings, so it was a reasonably safe new venture and posed no particular threat or anxiety.  I was completely unprepared for what the week would bring.

Now, seven days later, I am amazed at the stuff that surfaced around this seemingly benign adventure.  I faced contrasts of overwhelm, control, people pleasing, neediness, fear of offending others, etiquette,  setting firm boundaries, second guessing decisions, worthiness, appropriateness, manipulation, feelings of being used, obsessive compulsions, and addictions! We even had one follower who seemed to be into porn.

I had dreams that I was drinking and smoking dope.  They were quite disconcerting.  Then my sex addiction issues surfaced on Sunday afternoon!  Unreal!

It really got me in touch with one thing: if I am going through such a range of feelings and emotions in dealing with something new, what are the people I am hoping to attract to our site going through? They face major issues and life changing decisions….hitting bottom….breaking denial…reaching out for help…considering alcohol rehab or drug rehab….(or dealing with addictions that aren’t as easily defined and accessed, such a sex addiction)…and the feelings….the shame…the guilt….the fear…the anger…the despair….the hopelessness.

I had to ask myself if I had become complacent in my journey. Am I out of touch with the intensity of the fear associated with beginning something as huge as recovery.  It encompasses a new way of being….a complete life makeover….and….the inevitable mood swings facing people in early recovery as they wean off their drug of choice/addiction in the detoxifying stage?  The only mood swings I have been dealing with, lately, are the temperamental swings associated with Type 2 diabetes.

Apart from all the obvious challenges in learning something new, one incident in particular moved me to write this particular blog.  It had nothing to do with all the tangled energies I was surfacing as I moved through my week or with all the varied feelings I was experiencing as a newbie attempting to fit into an established pecking order in a totally foreign environment.

It had everything to do with a young woman who began following our site last Wednesday or Thursday. It is also about the online porn incident, they are one in the same.  Her Twitter name had a highly suggestive sexual connotation and both Kelly and I made a quick decision when we first noticed her.

We were “direct messaging” acknowledgements to all the people who were following us.  We were using a template that we borrowed from someone we consider to be a mentor.  We changed the message for this particular young woman and directly let her know that we were involved in addiction recovery.

We received no further posts from her and we assumed that we had either set a good boundary or that she simply got bored with our postings and had long since moved on.  We had no idea that she would revisit us later in the week and I had no idea how that would impact me.

Over the balance of the week I experimented with several different ways of putting our message out on Twitter and some of them languaged some pretty heavy feelings.  I was going through a full range of feelings myself just dealing with the complexity of Twitter.  I wasn’t in touch with any feelings circulating around the porn incident.

Kelly remarked that I was spending an unusual amount of time on Twitter and she asked if I was feeling like it was addiction. I replied “not” I was merely trying to gain an understanding of a new world and it was starting to wear me down, never a good sign.

One thing I learned from my time in treatment centers (and through counseling) is: being tired can be dangerous to recovered addicts or alcoholics.  There is an acronym that all people in recovery need to heed.  H.A.L.T. which stands for: hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  I think an “S” should be added for being scared (fear) and the acronym should be…..H.A.L.T.S.).  These are the conditions that predispose relapse.

Usually when these predisposing factors reach critical proportions for me, my life begins to implode. I had the dreams of relapse and actual compulsions were besieging me.  They have emerged several times over the past decade and always indicate a disconnect from Spirit and suggest that I have slipped back into self will and ego.

Yesterday, when I was posting about “energy” on Twitter, I noticed that I was getting completely caught up in “resistance energy”….trying to make things work my way….trying too hard…not allowing things to evolve like I normally do when I am connected and in the flow.

I didn’t get it that I was back in my head and not connected to Spirit.  I noticed sexual urges coming up. I asked Spirit for help and zoned out on TV for a couple of hours until the feelings left.  (I distracted….the same advice given by hot lines).

Kelly, who had been out with a friend, returned home and we took a look at our Twitter page….there they were…waiting for me…..two porn postings from the young woman.  We immediately blocked her which deleted the offensive posts.

Two things came up for me immediately….1) did I somehow manifest this…was I spending too much time on Twitter (it felt addictive)……and……2) was the young woman reaching out for help? Did we miss the opportunity to support her and direct her toward the help she so obviously needs?

I know what I need to do first. Take care of myself. “See it, feel it, release it”. Go through a process of self forgiveness and reconnect to Spirit.  I need to let go, get back in the flow, and ask myself, “What is right in this moment?”

I don’t know if we will ever have another opportunity to assist this young woman, but if I could give her a message it would be: Life is good, there is help available when you are ready, people can guide you toward a path where you can learn to be free of your addiction and have a better life experience.  You are not alone and there is support.

Thanks for reading and sharing my experience.  I wish you well on your journey.  If you are interested in learning more about the spiritual path that we have created for ourselves and are interested in moving through the several layers of recovery that we have written about in our book, please visit our new site at:  www.whenyourenotyou.com

In Love, Light and Laughter, too,

Ted and Kelly.