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Barb's Story

Guest Blog  By Barb G

In 1987, I was diagnosed with having Agoraphobia.  Agoraphobia is a Greek word meaning “fear of the market place”.  In today’s terms it would be “fear of leaving your safe place”.  I had been having symptoms of rapid heartbeat, sweating, tightness in my chest, and trembling for the year before.

I had 3 children by this time.  My first daughter was born in 1979, then another daughter in 1982 and my son in 1984.  I didn’t want anyone else raising my kids so in 1980 after my maternity leave was up, I decided to quit my job and become a stay at home mom.   My relationship with my husband was rocky.  He had always drunk, but his drinking was progressing into alcoholism.  He was threatening and becoming violent.  I was under constant stress and I was in total denial of how it was affecting me.

One of my early warnings was when I went to Expo in Vancouver 1986.  When I got there I found I couldn’t stand in any line ups or manoeuvre in the crowds.  Upon returning home, I experienced a couple of HUGE PANIC ATTACKS and once I had to go to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack.  I was told to go home and rest for 3 days.

I didn’t know what was happening to me.  When I tried to drive to town, I’d have to turn back halfway because I was nauseous and dizzy.  When I went to my friends I couldn’t hold a coffee cup because my hands were shaking so badly.  Shopping for groceries became an impossible task, I felt trapped in the line-ups and at the tills.

I searched my inner self to find out what was wrong with me?  What was causing this?  I wasn’t getting any support from my family – no one understood what was happening, they didn’t believe that it was debilitating and they just wanted me to get back to normal and take care of everything.

I desperately wanted to get back to normal – but I couldn’t.  After many failed attempts to get my husband to change (quit drinking, be more supportive) so that I could heal, I decided I had to leave the marriage.  I felt that I had better leave or I would not survive.  I was at the lowest point in my life.  I was sick with anxiety and now a single parent of 3 children.  I didn’t know how I could get better, how could I support myself, and how could I attend to all the needs of my children.  I WAS IN THE UNKNOWN.

I began reading about anxiety disorders and discovered that I was also co-dependent.  I had been raised in an alcoholic family and had been taught not to seek outside help, not to feel my feelings, not to talk about what is going on, and not to trust.  I had been taught to look after others instead of myself.  I learned that co-dependents often have stress related ailments such as migraines, ulcers, depression and anxiety disorders.

I began my recovery from co dependence in 1992.  I learned to develop a sense of self and to ask, “what do I need, what do I want?”  I also learned that I was responsible for my own happiness and that I couldn’t look to another human being to make me happy.

Treatment for anxiety was sparse.  My doctor did not offer medication for the first 5 years.   I sought out a group in Victoria for people suffering from anxiety.  We were trained to desensitise to fear producing situations.  This was a long and difficult process.
In 1995, I enrolled in a “back to work” program and slowly got back in to the work force.  My life was beginning to improve as I got out of my home and into the community and as I learned to accept myself as I was.

My decision to be a stay at home mom in 1980 had resulted in my being dependent on others for my support for 15 years.  I spent, from start to finish, 25 years parenting.  I’ve been learning to cope with anxiety for 24 years.  I still have it — but to a lesser degree.

I learned many things in my recovery and had accomplishments as well.  I bought and fully paid for my own home.  I quit smoking and even though I hardly drank alcohol, I completely gave it up and raised my kids in an alcohol free environment.  I successfully raised my kids, and proudly flew to Ottawa to celebrate my daughter’s graduation from Carleton University.  I also began a home base bookkeeping business which I’ve expanded into a full time downtown business.

I’ve learned that along with my health, relationships are the most important thing in life.  I ‘m learning to love myself and I have great relationships with my grown children, my wonderful grandchildren, my friends, and my new partner in life and   in recovery.
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Thanks Barb.  Barb is a life long friend of Kelly’s and she, along with her partner Malcolm, are one of our “couples friends” that we get together with on our common journey of healing.  Barb originally contributed to our book by typing out our handwritten manuscript and putting it on disc.

If you would like to post your story of “experience, strength and hope” on our blog, please contact us at:    kellyandted@shaw.ca
Our book is now available on our website as a download for $7.95.  Visit our site at www.whenyourenotyou.com and add it to your shopping cart.

In love, light and laughter, too,
Ted and Kelly.

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